His Will, Not Mine

Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from Him. Psalm 127:3

I remember the day like it was yesterday. I had just found out the news. I remember thinking to myself- How could this be? This was not part of the plan! This can’t be right! Two lines? Yep, there are definitely two of them-two VERY blue lines, in fact. My then 10 month old daughter was running in and out of the bathroom, and then it hit me. I’m pregnant! Again!

So, I did what any woman does who has waited for those blue lines to appear. I did what any woman does while waiting for a test to seal their fate. I did what any woman does when she finds out she is going to have a baby. You guessed it!

I sat on the bathroom floor-and cried!

I cried for the daughter I hadn’t had enough time with. I wasn’t ready to share her. We weren’t ready for another child. We had no room. We couldn’t afford it. We had so many of my own medical expenses to contend with, now this? This certainly was not part of our plan!

Not your will, but mine….

That’s right. God had another plan. And it wasn’t the four year plan my husband and I had hashed out, and from day one Hunter has been a child full of surprises, unexpected blessings, and unplanned events.

Today is Hunter’s 5th birthday, and although according to my will he should only be a year old, God’s plan for his life and ours has been more amazing than we ever could have planned it ourselves. Through the “surprise” of another child, I have learned in the past five years about plans, blessings, and just how God works things out for His purpose.

Every good and perfect thing comes from above. James 1:17

I planned to have a healthy child with 10 fingers and 10 toes. And I did. But, I did not plan on having a child who would eventually struggle to walk, to speak, to communicate what he needs, to adapt to the chaos of everyday life. I didn’t plan on the same child to be diagnosed with autism at the age of 3. I never planned on spending many mornings and afternoons each week in therapy sessions, or learning how to restrain a child who is having a meltdown, a child who at times is known to harm himself. I never planned to still be waking up to a screaming child 5 years later. I never planned on learning everyday how to interpret the needs of a child who still has problems communicating them to me.

I planned to have a healthy child with 10 fingers and 10 toes.

God had another plan, and it was nothing like mine.

God planned on showing me just how much patience I really had. God planned on showing me how to be tolerant, and to not judge another parent who has “that” kid with them in a store. “That” kid is now usually my kid. God had plans to help me find humor in the midst of all the meltdowns. To learn that not everything is within my control. To be there for others struggling through parenthood. God had plans to show me how to love unconditionally despite flaws, imperfections, or pasts. To teach me that sometimes love isn’t about saying the word at all. It’s in all the things, actions and emotions that words cannot express.

And I learned this all through a small, angelic, quirky boy that was not part of my plan.

 God had another plan, and it was nothing like mine. Oh, it was so much better!