Straight Up: Messy Truth

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore, I will hope in Him.” Lamentations 3:22-24

I am pretty good at hiding. I am not talking the hide and seek game we played as children, or that we play with our own children. I am talking about hiding that involves stuffing my emotions and feelings. All the junk I don’t want people to see. I’ve gotten pretty good at playing the “paint a smile on my face” type of hiding game.

I’m also pretty good at hiding my emotions behind a new pair of shoes, a new scarf, a pint of Ben and Jerry’s Phish Food ice cream, or a milk chocolate candy bar. And, while I have stuck to my rule of not buying new clothes, I have not been so diligent with food. Instead of using my emotions to splurge at Target, I have used them to splurge on my calorie allowance.

“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul…but I seek out portions of M & M’s found in the kids’ Valentine’s bags over the portion of all that is good and found in Him.

And then I paint on a smile…

In an effort to show the world that I didn’t just spend an afternoon wrestling with a 5 year old over the number of chocolate chips in his bowl. To hide the fact that I didn’t know whether to throw the chocolate chips across the room, or shove the whole container in my mouth.

To hide the massive headache that only gets worse when the kids are fighting and screaming, and I can’t decide whether to scream back or drink a 2 liter of Coke.

To hide the fatigue that has nagged my body for days, and that I am debating over exercising for energy or crawling on the couch with that pint of Phish Food.

To hide my emotions, my pain, my struggles behind food.

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end. Yet, I hide behind a painted on face and a pint of ice cream, instead of hiding behind the one who has mercy on me each time I stumble.

Last week I talked about moving around the mountains in our lives, but find myself here, once again heading south to the fridge, instead of north to the Lord. The one whose mercies never cease.

I don’t want to keep hiding behind a painted on smile, or chocolate chips, M & M’s, and Coke. I want to come out from behind the painted on mask, step away from the pantry, and seek His love and mercy. I want to rest in the promise that when I stumble, when I want to scream and run to the fridge, that his mercies are also new each day.

This means that today I can rest knowing I get another chance to come out of hiding. I get another chance to realize from where my portion comes.

My portion of strength comes from God, not Mars chocolate.

My portion of rest comes from God, not Ben or Jerry.

My portion of patience comes from God, not a 2 liter’s worth of caffeine.

The portion I need to find new mercies, love, and power to get through any rough day, massive headache, or screaming child is not found in the calories I consume each day. It is found in Him. So, give me a hefty portion of God, please.