The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore, I will hope in Him.” Lamentations 3:22-24
I am pretty good at hiding. I am not talking the hide and seek game we played as children, or that we play with our own children. I am talking about hiding that involves stuffing my emotions and feelings. All the junk I don’t want people to see. I’ve gotten pretty good at playing the “paint a smile on my face” type of hiding game.
I’m also pretty good at hiding my emotions behind a new pair of shoes, a new scarf, a pint of Ben and Jerry’s Phish Food ice cream, or a milk chocolate candy bar. And, while I have stuck to my rule of not buying new clothes, I have not been so diligent with food. Instead of using my emotions to splurge at Target, I have used them to splurge on my calorie allowance.
“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul…but I seek out portions of M & M’s found in the kids’ Valentine’s bags over the portion of all that is good and found in Him.
And then I paint on a smile…
In an effort to show the world that I didn’t just spend an afternoon wrestling with a 5 year old over the number of chocolate chips in his bowl. To hide the fact that I didn’t know whether to throw the chocolate chips across the room, or shove the whole container in my mouth.
To hide the massive headache that only gets worse when the kids are fighting and screaming, and I can’t decide whether to scream back or drink a 2 liter of Coke.
To hide the fatigue that has nagged my body for days, and that I am debating over exercising for energy or crawling on the couch with that pint of Phish Food.
To hide my emotions, my pain, my struggles behind food.
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end. Yet, I hide behind a painted on face and a pint of ice cream, instead of hiding behind the one who has mercy on me each time I stumble.
Last week I talked about moving around the mountains in our lives, but find myself here, once again heading south to the fridge, instead of north to the Lord. The one whose mercies never cease.
I don’t want to keep hiding behind a painted on smile, or chocolate chips, M & M’s, and Coke. I want to come out from behind the painted on mask, step away from the pantry, and seek His love and mercy. I want to rest in the promise that when I stumble, when I want to scream and run to the fridge, that his mercies are also new each day.
This means that today I can rest knowing I get another chance to come out of hiding. I get another chance to realize from where my portion comes.
My portion of strength comes from God, not Mars chocolate.
My portion of rest comes from God, not Ben or Jerry.
My portion of patience comes from God, not a 2 liter’s worth of caffeine.
The portion I need to find new mercies, love, and power to get through any rough day, massive headache, or screaming child is not found in the calories I consume each day. It is found in Him. So, give me a hefty portion of God, please.
I’ll take a hefty portion of God too. Nice post and I so understand the hiding behind the mask that I portray on my face many days. I am so good at that so I pray that if we can dedicate ourselves to hiding let’s instead put all our efforts into seeking God. Blessings, Mary!
Exactly! Because there is certainly no hiding from Him, right?
What a beautifully written post. Honest and open. Thank you for slipping off your mask and giving us a closer look at you, a beautiful child of God. Stay strong in the Lord!
Thanks, Linda for stopping by and reading! Even as transparent as I am said to be, it is so much easier sometimes to hide behind it all. Slowly learning to rest in His portion!
Blessings!
January
I have felt this same way so often. I hide behind my mask all the time. I need to rely on God being my portion too. Thank you. Stela – OBS Small Group Leader.
Thanks so much for stopping by and reading! I want to practice this type of portion control more often for sure!
Blessings!
January
I so want that hefty portion of God. I love what you wrote and I can relate to this , as I also hide behind my mask at times. Since becoming a single mom of a special needs young adult son, life has become “isolated” from many and I have hidden and worn the mask , I truly don’t want to anymore…I want to seek God first….thank you for writing this…blessings to you…nancy
Nancy, I too understand just how alone we can feel when we have children with special needs, and it is easier to hide instead of explain something that many just don’t understand! Hang in there….God is with you! Blessings to you and your son!
January
January, thank you for sharing your very real, vulnerable thoughts about hiding. It can be such a strong pattern that it, too, can be hard to break. I appreciate you taking the risk and sharing. God bless.
Check out my #beneficial post at: http://www.groundswellministries.org/2014/02/19/on-that-which-is-beneficial/
Thanks for reading! It is a pattern that is hard to break, and something I am sure keeps us further from Him!
Blessings!
January
I really loved the “real life” struggles you described here. My go-to self medication was always chocolate or coffee. I’ve learned a lot in the last couple of months about how to stop self-medicating with these foods and turn to Jesus for the comfort and encouragement I need. It sounds like you are finding out a lot about yourself in this study, too. Thanks for sharing your journey with all of us!
A lot about myself! And to think I thought I didn’t struggle with food at all! Another one of those things I must have been hiding!
Thanks for stopping by and reading. God bless you!
January
Wow, I feel like you know me! I teared up reading your struggles because they are mine too. My boys are young men now but I never learned earlier how to turn it over to God but now I am working on that with the MTC study. Phish food and milk chocolate was my drug of choice too. LOL Glory to God because He us now my portion. Thank you for your blog…I loved it!! ~~blessings~~
Martha,
I think it is so amazing how this study has not only revealed so much I didn’t already see in myself, but that it also reveals that we are never alone in our struggles, that there is someone out there struggling with the same thing!
Thanks for stopping by and reading. Blessings,
January