As a young student I loved to write. I couldn’t wait to get to English class, and place my entry in my daily journal. I used to even dream of being discovered posthumously like Emily Dickinson.
But, lately, I have been struggling with whether or not to keep writing. Partly due to sheer exhaustion. Partly because the devil has me convinced that I have nothing good to say anyway. That I can’t find God at 4 AM in the midst of the mess of life. The one who wants nothing more for me than to put down the pen, close my Bible, go back to sleep, and forget all about God.
It’s true that I started this blog a year ago, not with the intention of ever becoming some world-renowned writer, but in an attempt to put into words the emotions and feelings I was experiencing as a mom of an autistic child.
And, to spend time with God as he was calling me to do at 4 AM in the morning. To be transparent about the junk I believe most of us deal with in this life. It was never meant to draw an audience of thousands, but to glorify my audience of One.
I find myself this week wrestling with the very reason I began this blog in the first place. The very one who had me at my wits end again the night before school was about to start. The same one who had me up at 4 AM talking to God. The same one who placed it on my heart to be honest and share with others.
The one that maybe one person out there could understand and relate to-my autistic son.
The one who at this very moment was screaming and inconsolable. The one who had worked himself into such a nervous tizzy about this whole kindergarten thing, he couldn’t even begin the first day of school. The one screaming for Mom and Dad in an overcrowded school bus.
So, why do I write? Why do I continue to be honest and share my struggles, triumphs, and failures?
I write for the mom who flips grilled cheese sandwiches while a 5 year old boy cries on her hip. While he wets her weary shoulder with his tears.
I write for the believer like me who lacks faith. Who is afraid. Who faces many doubts and trials.
I write for those desperately seeking God in the midst of tough circumstances and hardships.
I write for the parents who wonder if they are doing everything wrong, and who wonder if God hears their 4 AM cries and prayers.
God has given each of you a gift. Use it to help each other. 1 Peter 4:10
And, writing is that gift.
So, I will tell that devil to sit down and be quiet. I will continue to write for the one person who may read my post and feel comforted by the fact that they are not alone. That others go through the same struggles.
If I remind just one person through my words, God’s gift to me, that He is with them, then I have already defeated the devil who wants me to think I am not good enough or worthy. I have already accomplished what God has called me to do.
Whether I can see it or not, there is one out there that can relate to the words posted here. To the stories I share. To my sorrows, emotions, and feelings, but only if I am willing to share these things, and despite the fact that maybe only one person will ever get anything out of them.
So, I will continue to write for those like me who may also be up at 4 AM struggling with out of control emotions. Struggling to find God in the screams of a child, or in the face of a hard and tough circumstance.
Whether I am writing for an audience of thousands, or simply an audience of One.