It’s no secret around here what our mornings have looked and sounded like lately. Our little guy started school a little over a month ago, and while he is in the same building he has been in for 2 years now, this year’s transition to kindergarten has not been easy. A new teacher, a new routine, and sometimes no warning of what to expect have meant that our mornings have not gone smoothly at all.
What is for most an uneventful trip to the bus stop, has become a screaming ordeal for us.
The anxiety of what the school day could bring that our little boy may not have prepared for, has him panicked and worried before he even gets out the door each morning. These mornings have been filled with screams of terror, and cries of worry. And not just from the five-year old.
“You want to cry now, too. Don’t you?” This is what my husband asks as we complete our new morning routine.
And, yes. He is right. While I may have been able to control the convulsing sobs I wanted to emit at the bus stop, I am having a harder time controlling them now.
All I want to do in this moment is close my closet door, lay on the floor, and weep.
Because on these mornings, I don’t know how to help this son of mine. Because on these mornings, honestly? I just want a kid that is “normal.” One whose autism doesn’t have his mom feeling utterly useless.
Because, sometimes….I wonder if God gave him to the right Mommy.
For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts are higher than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:9
And, I know all this. I know this is all part of his plan. His will for my life. He certainly knew exactly what he was doing when He placed this child in my life.
But, it doesn’t mean I don’t feel utterly useless, and a little less equipped to be this kid’s Mommy.
We all feel like this as parents a little more than we want to admit. In all honesty, I am not quite sure there are too many moments along this journey through parenthood that I have not felt useless, completely clueless, and dumbfounded. Even though I began my journey at the age of 19, 17 years later, I am not anymore secure in my ability to parent than I was as an unwed, teenage mother.
I don’t have all the answers.
I am completely clueless.
I feel utterly useless.
I question whether God gave these kids to the right Mommy. I even question a co-workers judgment as she reassures me that “Yes, you are doing the right thing. You are a good Mommy.”
Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland. Isaiah 43:19
Do you not see it, January? When you think you are doing it all wrong, I have you on the right paths? I will wipe those tears and assure you that you are a good Mommy, my child.
Do you not see it, Mom?
Do you not see it, Dad?
Have you never heard? Have you never understood? No one can measure the depth of his understanding. He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless. Isaiah 40:28,29
Do you not see it?
The moments we want to lay on the closet floor and weep, he wipes our tears and feels our sorrows with us.
The moments when we don’t know how to reach our kids. How to be an understanding parent. How to parent at all. He comes in and gives us the strength and power to get through the next phase of childhood.
He makes a path for us when we see none.
And, He gives us the power to get off the floor, while gently whispering:
“You may not feel like it now, my child. But, you are doing the right thing. You are a good Mommy.”