I like to think I have a way with words, with at least the written words that express my thoughts, my emotions, my desires. However, sometimes choosing just one word becomes a little more daunting.
Last year I joined a group of women in an on-line bible study in which I participate in choosing one word to live by for the year. This one word would replace any resolutions that would certainly be broken by the second day of January. Deciding on the one word that would define my year was not too complicated, but living it out was often something else entirely.
It is said when you choose this one word that God will reveal how exactly He plans for you to live up to it. And that He did.
While I did prove at times to be far from fearless, I also learned to understand…
Letting go is fearless. Admitting defeat is fearless. Admitting your faults and being transparent is fearless. Telling your story, as ugly as it may be is fearless. Forgiveness is fearless. Asking for help is fearless.
This year, this one who thinks she is so great with words, has had a tough time finding the “one.”
Until I lay in bed for the third week of an illness that quickly turned into pneumonia. Gasping for air. Tired. Weary. Worn. More sick than I had ever been.
Crying out for God to just give this weary girl some rest. Cursing Him for not providing the healing He had promised. Angry because the mission He had set out for me couldn’t possibly be fulfilled in this bed. On this couch. Gasping for breath. Tired, Weary. Worn.
Ready to give up on Him altogether.
Ready to give up…something that comes so easy to me.
The one who was “fearless” enough to stand in a room of strangers and tell her ugly story, couldn’t seem to find the motivation or strength to complete the simplest of tasks. To follow through on all the things she needed or desired to do.
The one who can fearlessly wrestle monsters, gives up too easily on other things that just seem to hard.
Like the guitar I played for a week, and then never picked back up.
Like all the books I started and never finished.
Like all the conversations I was too scared to have with the people who needed to hear my words the most.
The ideas and goals I have that I never write down, and then never start.
The good intentions and best laid plans I throw to the side when it gets to tough to follow through.
The “clean” eating. The desire to run I wanted to find again. The dream I so want to make happen. The marriage I take for granted. The prayers I never pray. The time I never have. Too hard. So, I just give up or never start.
And, here I was again. Ready to give up because God was making things too hard.
Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love Him. James 1:12
So, my one word. The one word God revealed to me as I lay screaming at Him. Angry. Gasping for air. Tired. Weary. Worn.
Perseverance to pick up that guitar and finally learn to play it. Perseverance to get those dreams and goals written down so they can finally be achieved.
To finish that book. To follow through on those best laid plans and good intentions. To make time for God. My health. My family. My marriage.
To fight the urge to give up on people, projects, hopes when they get too hard. Or, to give up on God when he doesn’t answer.
Perseverance to run the race He will set before me. Never quitting. Never faltering. Never giving up.