Tossing. Turning. Up. Down.
This was the position of my body through the night, but also my head. Awake for 3 hours while the devil wreaked havoc on my brain. For 3 solid hours he attacked my purpose. My integrity. All my regrets. He tapped into all the things that made me feel inadequate, useless, and less than.
“Nothing special. Worthless. Stupid. A fraud. Not worth listening to. Voiceless.”
For 3 solid hours.
Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour. 1 Peter 5:8
Spiritual warfare is real. Wrestling matches with the devil are inevitable when you are one who walks with God, especially when you believe you heard Him, but for whatever reason He has now become silent.
I was in the place where God’s call on my life had been the loudest. I knew for certain what He wanted me to do. And then He didn’t open the doors to make it happen. He placed roadblock after roadblock in my way instead.
So, it’s certainly no coincidence (because I don’t believe in them) that on the first night in this very same place, the devil used this to attempt to devour me. He used the fact that I had not done what I thought God had called me to do to wage an all out assault on my body, mind, and spirit.
Guilt. Shame. Regret. Recounting and bringing up every wrong turn taken. Every chapter still unwritten. All the purpose still not seen. Until I started to believe the lies. “You are nothing special. You won’t do anything that matters. Even God left you. Even He isn’t listening.”
The devil started the battle and I let him beat me almost senseless for 3 solid hours. Until I finally said: “No more.”
I went to war.
In a cabin room, in the middle of nowhere, I turned on my lamp, pulled out my pen and Bible and disputed the devil. Silenced his voice with God’s Word.
Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. Ephesians 6:10,17
My weapons told me and Satan that I was not inadequate, but that God would fill my inadequacies with His strength (2 Corinthians 12:10).
That I wasn’t worthless, because He counted me more special and worthy than even the birds he had given flight (Matthew 10:31).
And though I may not be doing what He originally called me to do, when He spoke to me in this place, He was most certainly with me, and was calling me to greater, simply through my obedience (Romans 8:28).
The devil may have started the battle, but my God…He will always win the war.
Note: I would like to think Satan stopped toying with me after this night, but not so. Come back for Part 2 of this story tomorrow!